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i dunno, i suppose that's just the mood im in. goofy that is. anyway. it has been brought to my attention that my latest writings have been blah and ....meh...and mow....basically, depressed sounding without being suicidal sounding but still cause for apparent concern. This is me saying thank you for caring, but it's not necessary to be so concerned. I'm fine. i've said t before, though many of you never heard it or don't remember...as long as im writing, things are fine. actually, my life may be in a chaotic disarray, charred and melted. I may feel utterly alone, even suicidal, but as long as i'm writing there is very little to worry about. It's when i'm not writing, when i'm not channeling it and getting it all out that you may need to worry about my head or veins exploding and destroying whatever is left of me at that moment. some people use things, they destroy. you're a builder you heal. apologies...as things pop into my head they will just come out through my fingers right now, no matter how senseless or unimportant they may be, back on track...the truth is, yes...i'm having some hard times.yes i've been hurt. yes i've been angry....correct, i've not entirely been myself. but that's ok. as a forewarning...i will not be "quite myself" for a while. I'm going back to who i used to be. this is a promise similar to one i've made quite often which is that i'm "going back to what i used to be." notice the difference between "what" and "who"...that's a big difference for me. going back to who i was does not mean i'm completely regressing and losing everything i've worked for, it simply means being someone i'm comfortable with again. though there is likely only one person who understands what i'm talking about......i cant take the time time to explain it.(yes i typed time twice, i don't know why, but it's how it came out, so that must be what it's supposed to be.) all the rest of you need to know is that there will be minor changes. in no way does this mean i don't want to be friends with the people i met since i was who i am now, but between then and who i was and am going to be again....hopefully, yo will all be understanding and not completely turned off by the small changes which will become present in my pseronalities. there may be times i am much more loud, kind of a "notice me" "center of the spotlight" "ultra sexual" and much more aggressive person.....and there may be times i'm significantly quiter. just sinking into the background, not really wanting to talk, just sort of there. both of those sides of me are ok, they do not reflect on how i feel about you. i love you or hate you all just the way i do now and am supposed to. times are changing for me. i'm going to take them the only way i know how...with a little bit of help. as for the seeming depressed and unhappy. it's utterly untrue. for th last couple of weeks i have been very happy despite a tremendous bout of insecurity and hatred toward myself and a number of other people prior to that happiness.....however, everytime i tried to write about my happiness, my computer falied, kicked me off, screamed in pain, died, kicked me in the ass and poisoned itself. yes, my computer is a bitch. the bottom line though, is not that my computer is evil(which it is) but that i was happy, i just had no way of writing about it(due to the evil computer issue) ... ... ...for that i apologise. presently....i am not especially happy. i am slightly lonely and still very upset with someone i thouht was a very good friend of mine and whom i had considered a brother. I'm working on getting over it. I am severely missing Zombie...i need to find him soon to settle my heart*kisses and love*. and I was just informed that i lost something i never really had to begin with. but you know.... ... ... ...in the end. it's all ok. i'm sad, but not angry about what what i've lost. I have had an amazing time...it was GREAT. i shouldn't have to repeat that anymore. it's kind of sort of done. the way things were is not the way things are going to be...but they never are. I have been spared a world of hurt thanks to just a few moments of honesty and now i can move on and find something better, no...new...different.....again. it's the way it is and i'm absolutely fine with that. I'll miss what was, but at least i can move on and look foreward to what could or will be. Thank you for that chance. Again, you've given me the chance to say..."at least I know." and this time...its good because i was simply told, i didn't have to figure it out for myself. on that note, i should apologise to my hubby. I was angry, and i am still upset at going over my head(however easy that may be with my height) but it worked out in the end so i suppose that means im over it. over it, but not forgotten. and should it happen again, your mistress will simply have to live with the fact that you will have been castrated, drawn and quartered, and raked over hot coals....in any possible order. Be my friend. hold my hand. be a shoulder for me to cry on. don't lie to me and never fear telling me the truth... i suppose it may seem a lot, but its really all i ask. the truth is. i'm not happy. but im not sad. i have sad situations im dealing with, i have confusing situations i'm dealing with, i have every kind of situation i'm dealing with....but what it comes down to is that i never have to be alone again. and i can finally admit that , to you and to myself. and you may not understand, but you don't need to, because i do. and right now, i'm all that matters to me. because i don't have to be alone, and because i'm not letting these situations make me sad...i'm not happy, im not sad, im not even simply content....i suppose, i'm a sort of at peace....i'm energized.... ... ... ...i've been able to release all that bad energy and now i feel like i have so much more good energy. healthy...that's what i feel. i'm healthy...... .........funny that at my deepest moment of insanity i'm ulitmately the healthiest.
*big hugs* azhuubo bee do mooka me. izo bo u. a nu moh. mrow. *blinks* I's supposes i should prolly les oo go now. i said all i need to. |
will the real slim shady please stand up....
mmm...
...i forgot how good it can feel to wake up.
...i forgot about a part of me that i realize now i miss...but i dont know if i want it to come back. I'm tired of being alone in here, and she would keep me company, but i worry about who else she might keep company and how she might run her mouth. I know I'd get mine if i got hurt with her around, but i still dont know exactly what she ever did...just how people reacted.
... ... ...I need to find someone who understands and will help keep jasz in place.
It does feel good this morning though. To have not slept the whole night alone...and to have not gotten in trouble for it. All i have left to hope for is that i avoid that other kind of trouble just as easily... ... ...I should know soon, but I'm still kind of scared.
I need to find people who can stand through it with me if the need arises...are you one of those people???
but, to get back on track...as scared as i may be in my stomach and my head...i feel good everywhere else. I don't feel so neglected. I don't feel as alone. I even don't feel as crazy. It's good to know theres someone else who understands. and its good to know i don't always have to be alone.
weekend 3 and 4
simply and chronilogically ... ...
Confusing,
Sad,
Angry,
Hurt,
Confused,
Lost,
Confused,
Frustrated,
Angry,
Chiding,
Depressing,
Decent,
Good,
Confusing,
Confusing,
Shameful,
Happy,
Hurt,
Happy,
and Tired.
I'm hurt at my friends' actions, and lack there of. I'm confused about everything. I'm sad for those I'm afraid I have or will hurt and angry at those trying to make decisions for me. I'm grateful and a sort of in love with Mandy and Thomas, who have been so good to me. and I'm angry at my friend who seems to not want to be my friend anymore...I'm confused because he tries to say nothing's changed, but it has and I can feel it and that makes me sad and angry.
I love most of my people dearly, ... ... ... but I don't know what to do with a lot of them most of the time. I'm missing someone terribly, and I want to find them. It makes me sad and a little distant, but it's somewhere to pull to. It's something steady that I have no choice of questioning... some things, beyond change and existence, are constant.
I was fairly happy until right this moment...i wish i could get out and away from all the stress my family creates. meh. to late.
i know it's kind of spazzy and incredibly vague...but that was my weekends.
*hugs*
~*Tissy*~
P.s. hope to see many of you soon...don't forget to find me at the gate and say hi.
The End.
I pray into the night
To be near you
And every single day
The moon shown bright.
Through the cold and dreary darkness
I call to you.
And while the rain is
Beating on my window,
I'm with you.
You lift me up to places
I've never known.
So every time I see the rain,
To you I've flown.
To see the love in your eyes
When you tell her goodbye.
And I sit,
Holding myself,
Alone.
At least now I know where I stand. Against my will and against my wishes...but I know.
Where I stand may be in a storming ocean with the bottom just pushed out from under me. I may be being sucked down by an unrelenting force trying to drag me to the cold and shadowy depths I so fear to inhabit...There may be no life-line in sight.
...but at least I know.
I stand where I always have. In the dark and cold of the second shelf in the back. No change. same place I normally am...A place in which I find a disturbing almost-comfort. A place where I spend so much time, I should love it and call it home...I hate it.
But at least I know.
I know what the choice is and I know to always expect that to be the choice. The choice isn't mine and it isn't me. and that's all that really matters in
The End.
Lonely as a tear off the nose of a tiger...
my hatred has gone, and most of my anger. now I'm left with only fear and sorrow to hold me in the night. The burning and tearing has subsided and my heart now waits, skinned and raw, for the next person to come along and mutilate it farther.
My soul seems a cell in a pit of darkness. It holds me in place, waiting for my own funeral. I create my own circumstances and music for the day I fall upon the groud to wait for my better existence, which must, infalliably, follow.
The darkness does not ebb it's way into my soul, rather it oozes out of me to infect the world it comes into contact with. and infecting it is. it tears those i love far from me and makes it appear almost worthwhile to stay with those that openly hurt me. It keeps beconing and saying, quite logically, "at least you know what to expect." it's true. I would know what to expect and have a chance to harden myself against it...then, if I still allowed myself to get hurt, it would actually be my fault instead of just seeming like my fault when it's not.
The darkness grips me and I give in to my most evil, innermost-self. The sun tries to pull me back into the light and succeeds only in burning my skin and eyes. no more can I see clearly and I cannot cling to myself for the pain. And still, pain comes from those who pretend to care. those with made-up advice, and hearts stuffed soft with pine needles.
those same friends who can't seem to confide in you wholly....and can't give you the chance to be cared for by them. It's those same friends who make it so hard to trust th people who actually do care because of all the times you've fallen for the same act and gotten hurt. those friends who, inadvertantly, force you to pull away from anyone who's ever actually cared. If this were a romantic relationship, it would have all the tell-tale signs of domestic-abuse and emotional poisoning.
I got up the nerve to look at the day and time of the group today, and I could only feel myself spiriling downwards. I would love to go, it might help, but who would care? and without my own car or being added to the insurance, there's nothing I can do for myself. I can't get there...and I can't do anything to help myself...why must I always depend on others to help me when all i want to do is fix my own problems and broken hearts?
The darkest despair within my heart, eating away at me...is not anything you could possibly expect. It's not losing one of the loves of my life, nor is it fear of my brother going to Iraq....
....my most personal despair ... is the fear I may be falling in love.
It could only possibly mean heartache for me. Love always ends the same way for me...being left on the back burner in case something better comes along, and being left in the cold when that something finally does.
So, in the meantime. my heart is sick with worry for me, and my soul has locked my heart away from the warm grass and earth and trees it so craves, in an attempt to keep it from committing suicide.
... ... ...and my brain.
...my brain has no clue what's coming next.
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