faire was difficult last year. its difficult this year. but i've been able to ignore and avoid a lot of the larger problems. I'm beginning to wonder if its not enough.
i don't know if i wrote about the problems my brother had last year, but it doesn't matter much rightnow except that it's happening again. losing him because of the shit faire is pulling is horrible to me. it's been my home for so long, but the closer i look at it, the less i see of what it was. my falconer is gone. my joust. only about half my friends remain, and i spen a lot of my days trying to avoid conflict.
I'm thinking im just going to have to find other ways to see people. maybe he's right. maybe it's not worth it. maybe its a waste of my time and i should find something else to occupy my weekends next year. or maybe....maybe i could find a job with someone else. someone who's not actually Faire. But he's right, i can't keep supporting this. i have to do something else. something different. I have to do something.
faire was difficult last year. its difficult this year. but i've been able to ignore and avoid a lot of the larger problems. I'm beginning to wonder if its not enough.
i don't know if i wrote about the problems my brother had last year, but it doesn't matter much rightnow except that it's happening again. losing him because of the shit faire is pulling is horrible to me. it's been my home for so long, but the closer i look at it, the less i see of what it was. my falconer is gone. my joust. only about half my friends remain, and i spen a lot of my days trying to avoid conflict.
I'm thinking im just going to have to find other ways to see people. maybe he's right. maybe it's not worth it. maybe its a waste of my time and i should find something else to occupy my weekends next year. or maybe....maybe i could find a job with someone else. someone who's not actually Faire. But he's right, i can't keep supporting this. i have to do something else. something different. I have to do something.
going over some of my past blogs, i've noticed a truth in a letter i once wrote. something i wasnt sure of at the time, but now the truth and knowledge within me is beyond compare.
HE was not my salvation. it was not HIS form, HIS mind or HIS power which held me. in fact. HE was not the strong one. HE was not so strong on his own.
I was my own salvation. rather, my grace was, just as she always has been. she manifested herself in HIM for a while because i wanted so badly to be near and close to someone. she gave me what i wanted without ever letting go of me, still looking over me and protecting me. HE had the strength HE confused as HIS, which HE still mistakeningly thinks HE has, from me. it was my grace. my salvation. HE was a part of it, not the other way around. it didnt radiate from HIM, it posessed HIM. for some reason i cant trust myself to put that saving power within me, so instead i put it in those close to me...because i drew HIM so close, HE was the perfect vessel...for a while. now its done and i can feel the thread that was cut. not even just that it was cut, i can feel the space it no longer takes up....i can feel and search for its absence...i think i know its new manifestation. I must. theres no other option. and He's a good choice. they're a good choice.
I cant think of a safer place to put that power. can you? what could be safer than dividing your most precious gems...and they're not even really apart. one body, two minds. no safer place in the heavens to place my safety. my power. my strength. with our strengths together, they could blend so seamlessly...nothing could be stronger. nothing could stop us. what a rush. and its not even really In me. it's safe and sound, all tied up in Him for the time being. in them. in all of us. all four of us, and He may not even know it.
and slowly, it will divide itself farther, sacrifice itself for me. so no matter what a part will survive. another part in her. five of us. no, yes...five. there must be something coming. nothing else could make it stretch so thin. and in that...i feel so safe.i trust Him, them, and me and her so implicitly...i think theres nothing that could go wrong.
...truth be told, i'm not avoiding people. i haven't been myself. i haven't been ignoring people, i just really am not quite me. i can't have been ignoring people because i haven't been seeing people...not by choice, if you've seen me, it doesnt mean ive seen you, or maybe it just didnt really register who you were...im sory but it happens.
while i spend the nights waiting to be let go, away from the nagging voice of a mother who pretends to be caring...i wait every week for the next time i see gratchen, for that one blessed hour i get away from her...when she can't barge in and make demands. she may be my mother, but she should not be acting as my mother while she's supposed to be my boss. she may have her priorities, but i have mine and when it comes to my health...sorry, im putting myself before everything else. i'm sorry to everyone who has had to cover because my co-workers are lazy ass holes, but i cant help that. and no, i havent been staying late often, bu its because i cant take it anymore. i cant stand the people i work with, im fast becoming jaded with the place i work in general. i dont want the drama, and work doesnt keep it from me.
i hurt. physically, emotionally, mentally. in every way and every place, i hurt. and i dont know what to do to fix it. i wasnt really upset today...there were parts....but i was actually pretty good. so why, at the end of the day did i just fall apart. why could i not seem to get far enough from......................everybody else. it's nothing against the people i was with or anyone who i may have ignored....i just didnt really want to be around Anyone. i wanted to be alone. i have no clue why, but my body insisted on making me cry....i dont like crying, and i hate people seeing me cry. i just didnt want to be around people. i also didnt want to cry, and being around people would normally be the perfect stop, but i couldnt stop it. it wouldnt yield. all i could do was keep on getting up when wherever i was got too crowded. i still dont know what is/was wrong. i wish i could figure out what happened to who, or what inside of me has my heart not made peace with but my head has. i just dont know.
i wish this were prettier....i just havent been feeling much lately. my brain is too much of everywhere....i cant seem to concentrate on one actual thread. and now......now i need to go to bathe and sleep. well, bathe ad then read and sleep at some point. anything to avoid the nagging from my mother and her bitching about me taking a day off........ i just need the time. so, i need to escape before she gets to me and can be herself.
it makes me think of me. it makes me yearn for that perfection.
Child of the wilderness Born into emptiness Learn to be lonely, Learn to live your life in darkness. Who will be there for you, Comfort and care for you? Learn to be lonely, Learn to be your one companion. Never dreamed out in the world There are arms to hold you. You've always known Your heart was on its own. So laugh in your loneliness, Child of the wilderness. Learn to be lonely, Learn how to love Life that is lived alone.
Learn to be lonely. Learn how to live, Learn how to love, Alone.
