I don't know what's been gong on with me lately. i haven't written for a while because there is very little to write.
as much as i resent his boredom, i understand all too much how easily we'vve slipped into a routine. Get up, cuddle, leave for school, go to class, come home(maybe pick him up from his parents first), eat, watch tv or a movie, go to bed, sleep, start again. it's not bad. it's actually quite pleasant for me. but at the same time i lose all track of time. there's very little to help me keep track of what the day is, what the time is and what i need to get done. everything blurs together.

there are halloween parties we're supposed to go to this weekend, after the last one we'll just have to cross our fingers and hope they turn out to be good.

the spirits have stopped talking to me. i can hardly feel them near. a soft whisper while i'm sleeping sometimes fills my ear, but more often is forgotten amongst the dreams and desires my reality thrusts into my cnscioiusness. Moiera came to me. Guilt abounding. she wants what i wantt...my personal little puck. but what she wants isn't always what i want. sometimes i wish i could hide my inmost wishes inside my head, away from her. she gives me what i want...but sometimes what i want inside is not what i really want. i want the people i love to be happy, but sometimes that coonflics with what i actually want. she's grown weary of always giving in and has burst out, taking whatever she will in whatever way she wants. I told her no, but could not push her away. I asked her not to but could not pretend that what she was giving me wasn't what a pert of me wanted. How can the waters call so strongly to me to jump into them and let myself go when they know i cannot deny my heart, but neither can i harm my physical body. The damned trouble-maker was only trying to make me happy so how can i fault her, yet how can i forgive her for taking somthing precious from the person i love so much.
the night sky is crushing me beneath its black nothingness and fills my mouth with its own screams for peace. and in our daily battle, neither escapes, neither wins. I've bound myself to the night and it to me. we cannot let go so we each may breathe for the fear that when we do we will hold nothing in our arms and have noone to whom we can tell our secret screams.

I want him closer to me every day. and every day i fear he pushes a little farther away. silently killing us both.

just shit.
i love taking care of people. my family, my friends.....i like helping other people....and now im scared.
i want him to be happy. i want him to do whatever it is he needs to do for himself. but at the same time, i don't want him to leave. the prospect of him not being there just for a night or two makes me want to cry, then i think of what will happen if it all goes well...he'll be gone. really gone. for, probably, quite a while. I want him to go, i want it to go well, i want him to get the job, i want him to be happy, i really do...but in the following breath...I'm afraid of being left behind. we've really been working at this and i'm afraid of what that kind of distance will do to us...to me. and im afraid of not being there to take care of him if thats what he needs. of not being there to tell him it will be ok and that i won't let anything hurt him.

i can already feel the cold sheets in my bed where they should be warm from his body and smell the faded scent of him on the pillows. i can see the room, still full...yet hauntingly empty with no trace of his ever being there. it makes me afraid that this is all a dream and, when he leaves, i'm going to wake up and realize that it was never real, that i slept the past two months of my life away and have nothing to show for it.

you know what...on second thought...forget all about this post...forget i wrote it, forget that you read it. it's not important. weather dream or reality...i love him. i want him to be happy, so whatever i may fear is entirely inconsequential...all that matters is what is, and what he deserves. so forget this post exists, forget my fears....




just hope that all goes well for him and he gets a chance at the amazing opportunity facing him.

just the song im listening to right now.




i... ...... ... ... i dunno. im tired and im sick and im upset and im stressed and im wonderful and im confused and i'm very happy. things are going........they're going.

me and my boy...me and school.

parents are...not as bad as they could be i guess...although i know it kwouild be a llot worse if aleks wasnt there to keep me calm...just his presence. i miss my friends...and im broke so even when i could go hang out with them, i cant because i dont have the money to go anywhere with them.

im confused over all the things people are tellling me. people showing up out of nowhere telling me that they're interested in me....saying they always were. saying they were never really my friend. or saying that they always liked me, they just never wanted to say anything.

i wish they would have. i wish i had known. it might have helped my self-esteem a little bit. although, on the otherhand, i still have this little voice in the back of my head saying that they're probably just screwing with me. saying things they dont mean either to see if they can get me to believe it or to see how badly they can fuck with my mind...if that's their aim, they're succeeding...if not............i wish there was some way i could know and trust that knowledge.

other than that...i have an appointment monday...i need to ask about payment though...and in the meantime, my stomach is killing me but i dont know if it's because its that time of the month or if i just need food that i cant really afford anyway.

so all in all....grr. but still,l iim really doing pretty good. im not stuck at home every day and i spen most of my time with people i really like.
i think my depression's just coming back. i think it's making me weary and lost so far in my world that the words refuse to come.

Turn to the darkness
in your deepest soul.
scare your mind and strain your heart,
your innocence long gone.
Leave truth to reality
Entrap your mind in fantasy.
stop the downward plunge and
open yourself to the lies your
mind creates.
bring consciousness to the tip of your tongue.
run away your fears.
and await the dark blindness of the day.

Take the truth within your mind,
in your deepest heart.
Stress and
Strain.
Yearning.
Lies, love and lust.
Escaping reality hunting your
sanity and wearing your body out.
our bodies moved as one.
minds whispered in our dreams.
bringing the trust to pain and
rage within my heart, you left me ,
again, alone.

when it rains it pours..(wow, i almost wrote when i rains it porns...yay for typing in the dark) and i almost dont notice it raining at all.

i complain that i dont want to be alone anymore...than i want someone in my life....and all of a sudden there's more people there than i know what to do with. more confusion...almost more drama....
there's people who want to be my friend again...there's people who want to be bed buddies. there's people who i think are saying they want to be more than both of those and im just not sure.
and i dont know what to do.

it's nice to have someone to cuddle with, but i dont know what it really is that i want from him. i dont know if i want to date him or be his friend or be like his sister or ...i dont know any of it.

its nice to have someone who will be with me if thats what i ask.,...but i dont like that he wont tell me what he wants or if he doesnt know what he wants. i dont want to get hurt, but i dont want him to shut me out because hes afraid hes going to hurt me. i want to be his friend more than anything...but i dont know if i can keep having him change his mind and push me away again.

its nice to have my best friend back and talking to me again and all that. i suppose theres nothing really there to complain about at all. ad that scares me. how long before he leaves again. how long before he stops talking to me. how long before one of us pushes th other to the brink?

its nice to have the boys in my life. but ... i wish i knew which rain was safe, which was acid and which was so much its gonna drown me. ... ... ... ... ...


and im kind of scared to post this at all because i dont want to scare any of them away and i dont want to upset any of them and i dont know anymore what might set them off.
all i can say is that i love them all...in their own ways. and that that isnt going to change if they get mad at me or if they dont want it. i want to be their friends and nothing i say changes that. not anything i say to be intentionally irritated or anything that makes them think im mad wether i am or not. even mad.....i love you guys. id rather have you in my life....like it or not.

i just...im confused. i dont know what i want, i dont know whats right and i dont know what i should want.