Snow faflling outside the window, remeniscent of a whitewash on the earth, a cleansing of our lives.



...?...




And that's as far as my train of thought remans in the open. after that everything winds through unfamiliar forest and over rushing streams and rivers while i sit behind looking at the sace into which the tracks disappear, unable to follow them through the trees and undergrowth. Over the sloping and falling and twisting and winding ground. I can no longer weave pretty pictures on the page to paint picures of my demented world within your minds. I cannot pull the moss from the trees to reveal the rudimentary but intricate carvings in the dark wood which once inhabited my every thought and display the jumble of my mind, echoing the twists and turns which hide the train from my view.
the moss is too thick and when it finaly peels away from the bark, it does so to reveal clean, bare trees. no evidence that i was ever there. no resulting impact from the time i spent there. the decades my mind worked, the months my body retreated, the mere seconds left evidents of my presence.
all i can do anymore to explain my thoughts, emotions or visions is to put them blatently out there, in the world. to leave them alone and unprotected.
To simply say that i love him, he means the world to me. To settle for just saying, i feel so very alone. My voice, my companions, my faeries. all have gone into hiding, leaving me all alone.
perhaps it's because of him. ji found him, so i dont need them so much anymore. but now, when he's gone, i have NO cocmpany. noone to talk to or play with. i miss the comfort they once gave m e.
for those few of you ( or perhaps just one) who may remember. I think i may have found my Spirit. The One who would stay with me at night, hold me and warm me untill i drifted into sleep. who would comfort me when i woke trembling or screaming. it's the arm i feel round me every night and every morning while i'm with him. I wouldn't trade finding my spirit for anything. and he means more than the world to me.

as memories tease through my mind, memories of things i never knew, i grow weary and depressed. I want to be held so i hold myself and dig my nails into the fleshy sides of my arms. my shoulders writhe with pain against the straight-jacket hold and my mind screams inside of my head to be let go. my eyes go gray with the indecision and indifference. they fuzz out until i fall asleep at the wheel of my life and my desires. my stars speak to me of unbridled emotions and troubling affairs. of love passed and new. of lust, desire and longing. to be in his arms instead of my own. each of our prisons keep us apart and my being screams against the loneliness within me.

my mind races circles within me. it doesn't make sense and i've given up trying. the safety i feel behind the stone walls of my haven is too much to leave behind. I visit it in my sleep and in my waking hours. I want some sort of company there, but it is not a place suitable for other critters of the earth or sky. only me. only my kind. I want to be alone, but not by myself. I seek some comfort there while the warm body i seek is too far from me for me to see or touch.

I've missed classes...i keep missing appoinments and a part of me doesnt care. i don't know what to do if i don't get my hours in, but a part of me keeps squeeking out, "if you don't pass, it wasn't meant for you." i want to just give up. between work and school and everything else, i'm losing myself in a damning reality that pulls me into the scalding sunlight and the blackened depths of the sea. burning me and blinding me and drowning me. And the sweet intoxication of giving in, of losing and of not caring looks sweeter by the second.

stupid sixteen year old shit.

but i miss the voices and i miss the comfort of knowing...
i miss the warm darkness of my garden that i can't quite touch or tend.
i miss the serenity of a constant depression and want for some quieter life than the one thrust upon me.
i miss moiera coming, and the demons fleeing and sahri and dak and i miss
the voices

this is what keeps me busy in heritage class.

a light shone, flickering,
on an empty chair.
echo of a life short-passed,
existance silently snuffed out.
the bare room screaming, silently,
the tale of a love lost.
my light shone, confused,
on an empty chair,
because opportunity stole him away from me.
In the quiet dark of the night, my lover steals into the shadows in the corners of my room. he stands, he watc hes me and whispers through my mind. hidden in the half light cast by a flickering candle. my breathing quickens as i pray for salvation. he turns his back to me, my prayer denied, and a final whisper fills my mind," It's ok."


The darkness of my garden fills my mind once more. petals of darkest bloom. a pristine clearing deep within the blackk, maze-walls of my haven. life-blood drips from the ivy covering th stones and dyes the soil in which the rest, blessed, grow. a serenity unknown and the silence of sweet death fills my ears and soul and clings to my skin as a film. my garden provides me a silence, without and within, a seat ammongst the darkness of reality and the trees and velvet petals of evening. a welcome solitary, prying my mind and heart open to heal their wounds with drops of darkest dew, kissed by twilight deep within my walls.

A sweet nothingness fills my mind,
As i lay my head down to sleep.
the veil of darkness covers me,
showing my bare skin and pulling me into the deep.
drowning in the black waters of the night,
fear is gone, for death is naught but sleep.
and little more for me to do.
none left for me to meet.

I don't know what's been gong on with me lately. i haven't written for a while because there is very little to write.
as much as i resent his boredom, i understand all too much how easily we'vve slipped into a routine. Get up, cuddle, leave for school, go to class, come home(maybe pick him up from his parents first), eat, watch tv or a movie, go to bed, sleep, start again. it's not bad. it's actually quite pleasant for me. but at the same time i lose all track of time. there's very little to help me keep track of what the day is, what the time is and what i need to get done. everything blurs together.

there are halloween parties we're supposed to go to this weekend, after the last one we'll just have to cross our fingers and hope they turn out to be good.

the spirits have stopped talking to me. i can hardly feel them near. a soft whisper while i'm sleeping sometimes fills my ear, but more often is forgotten amongst the dreams and desires my reality thrusts into my cnscioiusness. Moiera came to me. Guilt abounding. she wants what i wantt...my personal little puck. but what she wants isn't always what i want. sometimes i wish i could hide my inmost wishes inside my head, away from her. she gives me what i want...but sometimes what i want inside is not what i really want. i want the people i love to be happy, but sometimes that coonflics with what i actually want. she's grown weary of always giving in and has burst out, taking whatever she will in whatever way she wants. I told her no, but could not push her away. I asked her not to but could not pretend that what she was giving me wasn't what a pert of me wanted. How can the waters call so strongly to me to jump into them and let myself go when they know i cannot deny my heart, but neither can i harm my physical body. The damned trouble-maker was only trying to make me happy so how can i fault her, yet how can i forgive her for taking somthing precious from the person i love so much.
the night sky is crushing me beneath its black nothingness and fills my mouth with its own screams for peace. and in our daily battle, neither escapes, neither wins. I've bound myself to the night and it to me. we cannot let go so we each may breathe for the fear that when we do we will hold nothing in our arms and have noone to whom we can tell our secret screams.

I want him closer to me every day. and every day i fear he pushes a little farther away. silently killing us both.

just shit.
i love taking care of people. my family, my friends.....i like helping other people....and now im scared.
i want him to be happy. i want him to do whatever it is he needs to do for himself. but at the same time, i don't want him to leave. the prospect of him not being there just for a night or two makes me want to cry, then i think of what will happen if it all goes well...he'll be gone. really gone. for, probably, quite a while. I want him to go, i want it to go well, i want him to get the job, i want him to be happy, i really do...but in the following breath...I'm afraid of being left behind. we've really been working at this and i'm afraid of what that kind of distance will do to us...to me. and im afraid of not being there to take care of him if thats what he needs. of not being there to tell him it will be ok and that i won't let anything hurt him.

i can already feel the cold sheets in my bed where they should be warm from his body and smell the faded scent of him on the pillows. i can see the room, still full...yet hauntingly empty with no trace of his ever being there. it makes me afraid that this is all a dream and, when he leaves, i'm going to wake up and realize that it was never real, that i slept the past two months of my life away and have nothing to show for it.

you know what...on second thought...forget all about this post...forget i wrote it, forget that you read it. it's not important. weather dream or reality...i love him. i want him to be happy, so whatever i may fear is entirely inconsequential...all that matters is what is, and what he deserves. so forget this post exists, forget my fears....




just hope that all goes well for him and he gets a chance at the amazing opportunity facing him.