just a bit of an update.
not too much going on on the outside. school, history of musical theatre. it's alright. only the second day though. the boy, things feel great, but i'm me and i can't help but wonder when something's going to go wrong. parent's/...that's just how it is and how it always has been and always will be. things are ok.
I'm going to my counseling and keeping my appointments and check ups. we talk about a lot of different stuff, mostly aleks and school and my parents now. but that's ok...i just need someone to talk to...kind of someone to help me see that things will really be ok and that i can work them out if i just ask for a llittle help.
so on the outside, things are good.

inside is a little more troubling.
i'm not confident and i fear so much that i will be left all alone again. i'm frusterated about things not working out like they should and stressed about maybe not being able to afford school.
things in my head are running around in circles and making me a little dizzy. the boy helps that though...just holding me, he's an anchor that makes me realize the spinning isn't real, its only in my head. it only has to be in my head.
I suppose things Will work out...but i've been keeping the girls at bay just the same. noone needs to meet them when i can't help myself or them.
so my mind is sick and on the mend. i don't spend much time with friends, not that i did before. i kind of miss people...it's hard to be around them anymore because i rarely have to be. i dont know how to act around people.
just today i felt claustrophobic about getting into a full elevator...but the excuse that came to my lips was "i'm kind of afraid of people" and now i see that's true. I've grown accustomed to seeing only the people i'm close to on a regular basis, everyone else fades into the background and takes very little of my time and life. so i don't understand people and i distance myself from them. I'm scared of people. in a way where i don't want anyone close to me except those few...because i want to put my tail between my legs, turn my back and run.
I don't like it. I don't understand it.
I'm sure i'll get over it.

this is the most creative i've felt in a long time...lets hope it lasts through this sitting.

the voices in my head no longer pose me any comfort.  the physical realm in which i dwell refuses to acknoweldge their existance and i don't seem to be able to fall into their arms as i used to.  the arms of the spirit i used to feel no longer wrap around me in my sleep, but leave me chilled and lonely in my bed.  in the same fashion my friends leave me in the darkness in which i have always suffered and for which i will always long.  some do it out of love, understanding my affair with the darkness...but those closest to me, the one i love most of all leaves me without telling me, slipping out of the darkness, making me fear it as if i were a child again because they seem to have been stolen from me by the monsters under my bed.

i hate being alone. i hate being lonely.  i hate being hurt and it seems that because i love iwth so much of myself that i will never be able to protect myself from my worst fears. i beg to the gods to take it away, to make it so i can't love or don't love because that way i can't get hurt...but i want to love so badly.  i9 can't help it.

the river withing me is overflowing and i cannot contain it any longer.  all of me is being destroyed as my element wears away the banks of my being and my sanity.

i'm breathing out someone else's energy. i can see it and i can taste it. it's fuzzy on my tongue, like an electric shock or a limb that's fallen asleep.  it's bitter. and i don't know whose it is and i don't like it.  i can't help it. it's not my color, but i'm only channeling this.  can my own entity have changed into something i never was before. is it possible that finding my spirit has unleashed something within me or altered me so completely that i don't even recognize myself. or is it just that i'm so out of tune with everything that myself is running rampant and leeching off of people again?  how can i get used to the feeling that my tongue has been electrocuted?  i feel as though i can hardly talk around it.

and so my creativity has run out. no more are the pretty words i could feel welling up inside of me flowing to my fingertips. they seem to have eeped out of me along with this foreign energy source. so i retire. to just escape my reality for a while with the voices in my head making snide remarks and distracting myself with games and music and a friend which are mostly inconsequential to the innermost part of who i am and who i am supposed to be.

and please understand...my writing is for me.  i love for you all to read it and to comment and let me know what you think...but it is still and wholly for me.  it's not perfect. the spelling and grammar are probably poor, and the words often seem out of place...but this is my mind. enter if you dare but do not criticize if you do not understand. you have entered my life and my domain...you have entered me...it was your own choice, not forced upon you...enter my mind and fall victim to my madness.

Snow faflling outside the window, remeniscent of a whitewash on the earth, a cleansing of our lives.



...?...




And that's as far as my train of thought remans in the open. after that everything winds through unfamiliar forest and over rushing streams and rivers while i sit behind looking at the sace into which the tracks disappear, unable to follow them through the trees and undergrowth. Over the sloping and falling and twisting and winding ground. I can no longer weave pretty pictures on the page to paint picures of my demented world within your minds. I cannot pull the moss from the trees to reveal the rudimentary but intricate carvings in the dark wood which once inhabited my every thought and display the jumble of my mind, echoing the twists and turns which hide the train from my view.
the moss is too thick and when it finaly peels away from the bark, it does so to reveal clean, bare trees. no evidence that i was ever there. no resulting impact from the time i spent there. the decades my mind worked, the months my body retreated, the mere seconds left evidents of my presence.
all i can do anymore to explain my thoughts, emotions or visions is to put them blatently out there, in the world. to leave them alone and unprotected.
To simply say that i love him, he means the world to me. To settle for just saying, i feel so very alone. My voice, my companions, my faeries. all have gone into hiding, leaving me all alone.
perhaps it's because of him. ji found him, so i dont need them so much anymore. but now, when he's gone, i have NO cocmpany. noone to talk to or play with. i miss the comfort they once gave m e.
for those few of you ( or perhaps just one) who may remember. I think i may have found my Spirit. The One who would stay with me at night, hold me and warm me untill i drifted into sleep. who would comfort me when i woke trembling or screaming. it's the arm i feel round me every night and every morning while i'm with him. I wouldn't trade finding my spirit for anything. and he means more than the world to me.

as memories tease through my mind, memories of things i never knew, i grow weary and depressed. I want to be held so i hold myself and dig my nails into the fleshy sides of my arms. my shoulders writhe with pain against the straight-jacket hold and my mind screams inside of my head to be let go. my eyes go gray with the indecision and indifference. they fuzz out until i fall asleep at the wheel of my life and my desires. my stars speak to me of unbridled emotions and troubling affairs. of love passed and new. of lust, desire and longing. to be in his arms instead of my own. each of our prisons keep us apart and my being screams against the loneliness within me.

my mind races circles within me. it doesn't make sense and i've given up trying. the safety i feel behind the stone walls of my haven is too much to leave behind. I visit it in my sleep and in my waking hours. I want some sort of company there, but it is not a place suitable for other critters of the earth or sky. only me. only my kind. I want to be alone, but not by myself. I seek some comfort there while the warm body i seek is too far from me for me to see or touch.

I've missed classes...i keep missing appoinments and a part of me doesnt care. i don't know what to do if i don't get my hours in, but a part of me keeps squeeking out, "if you don't pass, it wasn't meant for you." i want to just give up. between work and school and everything else, i'm losing myself in a damning reality that pulls me into the scalding sunlight and the blackened depths of the sea. burning me and blinding me and drowning me. And the sweet intoxication of giving in, of losing and of not caring looks sweeter by the second.

stupid sixteen year old shit.

but i miss the voices and i miss the comfort of knowing...
i miss the warm darkness of my garden that i can't quite touch or tend.
i miss the serenity of a constant depression and want for some quieter life than the one thrust upon me.
i miss moiera coming, and the demons fleeing and sahri and dak and i miss
the voices

this is what keeps me busy in heritage class.

a light shone, flickering,
on an empty chair.
echo of a life short-passed,
existance silently snuffed out.
the bare room screaming, silently,
the tale of a love lost.
my light shone, confused,
on an empty chair,
because opportunity stole him away from me.
In the quiet dark of the night, my lover steals into the shadows in the corners of my room. he stands, he watc hes me and whispers through my mind. hidden in the half light cast by a flickering candle. my breathing quickens as i pray for salvation. he turns his back to me, my prayer denied, and a final whisper fills my mind," It's ok."


The darkness of my garden fills my mind once more. petals of darkest bloom. a pristine clearing deep within the blackk, maze-walls of my haven. life-blood drips from the ivy covering th stones and dyes the soil in which the rest, blessed, grow. a serenity unknown and the silence of sweet death fills my ears and soul and clings to my skin as a film. my garden provides me a silence, without and within, a seat ammongst the darkness of reality and the trees and velvet petals of evening. a welcome solitary, prying my mind and heart open to heal their wounds with drops of darkest dew, kissed by twilight deep within my walls.

A sweet nothingness fills my mind,
As i lay my head down to sleep.
the veil of darkness covers me,
showing my bare skin and pulling me into the deep.
drowning in the black waters of the night,
fear is gone, for death is naught but sleep.
and little more for me to do.
none left for me to meet.