this is the most creative i've felt in a long time...lets hope it lasts through this sitting.

the voices in my head no longer pose me any comfort.  the physical realm in which i dwell refuses to acknoweldge their existance and i don't seem to be able to fall into their arms as i used to.  the arms of the spirit i used to feel no longer wrap around me in my sleep, but leave me chilled and lonely in my bed.  in the same fashion my friends leave me in the darkness in which i have always suffered and for which i will always long.  some do it out of love, understanding my affair with the darkness...but those closest to me, the one i love most of all leaves me without telling me, slipping out of the darkness, making me fear it as if i were a child again because they seem to have been stolen from me by the monsters under my bed.

i hate being alone. i hate being lonely.  i hate being hurt and it seems that because i love iwth so much of myself that i will never be able to protect myself from my worst fears. i beg to the gods to take it away, to make it so i can't love or don't love because that way i can't get hurt...but i want to love so badly.  i9 can't help it.

the river withing me is overflowing and i cannot contain it any longer.  all of me is being destroyed as my element wears away the banks of my being and my sanity.

i'm breathing out someone else's energy. i can see it and i can taste it. it's fuzzy on my tongue, like an electric shock or a limb that's fallen asleep.  it's bitter. and i don't know whose it is and i don't like it.  i can't help it. it's not my color, but i'm only channeling this.  can my own entity have changed into something i never was before. is it possible that finding my spirit has unleashed something within me or altered me so completely that i don't even recognize myself. or is it just that i'm so out of tune with everything that myself is running rampant and leeching off of people again?  how can i get used to the feeling that my tongue has been electrocuted?  i feel as though i can hardly talk around it.

and so my creativity has run out. no more are the pretty words i could feel welling up inside of me flowing to my fingertips. they seem to have eeped out of me along with this foreign energy source. so i retire. to just escape my reality for a while with the voices in my head making snide remarks and distracting myself with games and music and a friend which are mostly inconsequential to the innermost part of who i am and who i am supposed to be.

and please understand...my writing is for me.  i love for you all to read it and to comment and let me know what you think...but it is still and wholly for me.  it's not perfect. the spelling and grammar are probably poor, and the words often seem out of place...but this is my mind. enter if you dare but do not criticize if you do not understand. you have entered my life and my domain...you have entered me...it was your own choice, not forced upon you...enter my mind and fall victim to my madness.