when it rains it pours..(wow, i almost wrote when i rains it porns...yay for typing in the dark) and i almost dont notice it raining at all.

i complain that i dont want to be alone anymore...than i want someone in my life....and all of a sudden there's more people there than i know what to do with. more confusion...almost more drama....
there's people who want to be my friend again...there's people who want to be bed buddies. there's people who i think are saying they want to be more than both of those and im just not sure.
and i dont know what to do.

it's nice to have someone to cuddle with, but i dont know what it really is that i want from him. i dont know if i want to date him or be his friend or be like his sister or ...i dont know any of it.

its nice to have someone who will be with me if thats what i ask.,...but i dont like that he wont tell me what he wants or if he doesnt know what he wants. i dont want to get hurt, but i dont want him to shut me out because hes afraid hes going to hurt me. i want to be his friend more than anything...but i dont know if i can keep having him change his mind and push me away again.

its nice to have my best friend back and talking to me again and all that. i suppose theres nothing really there to complain about at all. ad that scares me. how long before he leaves again. how long before he stops talking to me. how long before one of us pushes th other to the brink?

its nice to have the boys in my life. but ... i wish i knew which rain was safe, which was acid and which was so much its gonna drown me. ... ... ... ... ...


and im kind of scared to post this at all because i dont want to scare any of them away and i dont want to upset any of them and i dont know anymore what might set them off.
all i can say is that i love them all...in their own ways. and that that isnt going to change if they get mad at me or if they dont want it. i want to be their friends and nothing i say changes that. not anything i say to be intentionally irritated or anything that makes them think im mad wether i am or not. even mad.....i love you guys. id rather have you in my life....like it or not.

i just...im confused. i dont know what i want, i dont know whats right and i dont know what i should want.