i know i;ve always played second string...im sure i always will. so why is it that when someone comes along saying that im not going to be second for them and even though i know its a le...because it always is...why do i believe them.

why do i let people, use, abuse, and take advantage of me?

i try to be who i am and people hate me for it. so i try to be who society says i should be and people still hate me for it. i try making sure everyone else is happy and healthy and people hate me for that almost worse than anything else. i try to take care of them and i get yelled at, i try to protect them and they attack me. how can my body and mind keep taking this. the hate. the rejection.
I try to do everything i can to be accepted or loved or...even just noticed and i get left behind in the dust still waiting to be told where it is im supposed to be going.
people hate the situation they're in, but once they're out of it...they get all depressed and hate that they arent still in the situation. i understand disliking change, but i cant understand how, when you'r trying to find a way out of a situation, you are sad when you DO get out of said situation.
If you want something different and you're trying to get it....why do you refuse it once you have your hands on it.

i dont know why i keep letting this happen. with the same people. with different people. with everyone in my life. everyone wants something from me and when i try to give it to them they always hate me for it.

i hate my friends.
I hate my lovers.
And i hate myself.

Some people want me to have better self-esteem. the problem that they dont know is...once i get that self-esteem. its very likely i will keep it and walk away from them. they will never be with me while i have self-esteem because once i have it i wont want to put up with their bullshit anymore. and i wont put up with it.

you wanted me to have self-esteem...now watch me walk away with it.