just a bit of an update.
not too much going on on the outside. school, history of musical theatre. it's alright. only the second day though. the boy, things feel great, but i'm me and i can't help but wonder when something's going to go wrong. parent's/...that's just how it is and how it always has been and always will be. things are ok.
I'm going to my counseling and keeping my appointments and check ups. we talk about a lot of different stuff, mostly aleks and school and my parents now. but that's ok...i just need someone to talk to...kind of someone to help me see that things will really be ok and that i can work them out if i just ask for a llittle help.
so on the outside, things are good.

inside is a little more troubling.
i'm not confident and i fear so much that i will be left all alone again. i'm frusterated about things not working out like they should and stressed about maybe not being able to afford school.
things in my head are running around in circles and making me a little dizzy. the boy helps that though...just holding me, he's an anchor that makes me realize the spinning isn't real, its only in my head. it only has to be in my head.
I suppose things Will work out...but i've been keeping the girls at bay just the same. noone needs to meet them when i can't help myself or them.
so my mind is sick and on the mend. i don't spend much time with friends, not that i did before. i kind of miss people...it's hard to be around them anymore because i rarely have to be. i dont know how to act around people.
just today i felt claustrophobic about getting into a full elevator...but the excuse that came to my lips was "i'm kind of afraid of people" and now i see that's true. I've grown accustomed to seeing only the people i'm close to on a regular basis, everyone else fades into the background and takes very little of my time and life. so i don't understand people and i distance myself from them. I'm scared of people. in a way where i don't want anyone close to me except those few...because i want to put my tail between my legs, turn my back and run.
I don't like it. I don't understand it.
I'm sure i'll get over it.

this is the most creative i've felt in a long time...lets hope it lasts through this sitting.

the voices in my head no longer pose me any comfort.  the physical realm in which i dwell refuses to acknoweldge their existance and i don't seem to be able to fall into their arms as i used to.  the arms of the spirit i used to feel no longer wrap around me in my sleep, but leave me chilled and lonely in my bed.  in the same fashion my friends leave me in the darkness in which i have always suffered and for which i will always long.  some do it out of love, understanding my affair with the darkness...but those closest to me, the one i love most of all leaves me without telling me, slipping out of the darkness, making me fear it as if i were a child again because they seem to have been stolen from me by the monsters under my bed.

i hate being alone. i hate being lonely.  i hate being hurt and it seems that because i love iwth so much of myself that i will never be able to protect myself from my worst fears. i beg to the gods to take it away, to make it so i can't love or don't love because that way i can't get hurt...but i want to love so badly.  i9 can't help it.

the river withing me is overflowing and i cannot contain it any longer.  all of me is being destroyed as my element wears away the banks of my being and my sanity.

i'm breathing out someone else's energy. i can see it and i can taste it. it's fuzzy on my tongue, like an electric shock or a limb that's fallen asleep.  it's bitter. and i don't know whose it is and i don't like it.  i can't help it. it's not my color, but i'm only channeling this.  can my own entity have changed into something i never was before. is it possible that finding my spirit has unleashed something within me or altered me so completely that i don't even recognize myself. or is it just that i'm so out of tune with everything that myself is running rampant and leeching off of people again?  how can i get used to the feeling that my tongue has been electrocuted?  i feel as though i can hardly talk around it.

and so my creativity has run out. no more are the pretty words i could feel welling up inside of me flowing to my fingertips. they seem to have eeped out of me along with this foreign energy source. so i retire. to just escape my reality for a while with the voices in my head making snide remarks and distracting myself with games and music and a friend which are mostly inconsequential to the innermost part of who i am and who i am supposed to be.

and please understand...my writing is for me.  i love for you all to read it and to comment and let me know what you think...but it is still and wholly for me.  it's not perfect. the spelling and grammar are probably poor, and the words often seem out of place...but this is my mind. enter if you dare but do not criticize if you do not understand. you have entered my life and my domain...you have entered me...it was your own choice, not forced upon you...enter my mind and fall victim to my madness.