Snow faflling outside the window, remeniscent of a whitewash on the earth, a cleansing of our lives.



...?...




And that's as far as my train of thought remans in the open. after that everything winds through unfamiliar forest and over rushing streams and rivers while i sit behind looking at the sace into which the tracks disappear, unable to follow them through the trees and undergrowth. Over the sloping and falling and twisting and winding ground. I can no longer weave pretty pictures on the page to paint picures of my demented world within your minds. I cannot pull the moss from the trees to reveal the rudimentary but intricate carvings in the dark wood which once inhabited my every thought and display the jumble of my mind, echoing the twists and turns which hide the train from my view.
the moss is too thick and when it finaly peels away from the bark, it does so to reveal clean, bare trees. no evidence that i was ever there. no resulting impact from the time i spent there. the decades my mind worked, the months my body retreated, the mere seconds left evidents of my presence.
all i can do anymore to explain my thoughts, emotions or visions is to put them blatently out there, in the world. to leave them alone and unprotected.
To simply say that i love him, he means the world to me. To settle for just saying, i feel so very alone. My voice, my companions, my faeries. all have gone into hiding, leaving me all alone.
perhaps it's because of him. ji found him, so i dont need them so much anymore. but now, when he's gone, i have NO cocmpany. noone to talk to or play with. i miss the comfort they once gave m e.
for those few of you ( or perhaps just one) who may remember. I think i may have found my Spirit. The One who would stay with me at night, hold me and warm me untill i drifted into sleep. who would comfort me when i woke trembling or screaming. it's the arm i feel round me every night and every morning while i'm with him. I wouldn't trade finding my spirit for anything. and he means more than the world to me.

as memories tease through my mind, memories of things i never knew, i grow weary and depressed. I want to be held so i hold myself and dig my nails into the fleshy sides of my arms. my shoulders writhe with pain against the straight-jacket hold and my mind screams inside of my head to be let go. my eyes go gray with the indecision and indifference. they fuzz out until i fall asleep at the wheel of my life and my desires. my stars speak to me of unbridled emotions and troubling affairs. of love passed and new. of lust, desire and longing. to be in his arms instead of my own. each of our prisons keep us apart and my being screams against the loneliness within me.

my mind races circles within me. it doesn't make sense and i've given up trying. the safety i feel behind the stone walls of my haven is too much to leave behind. I visit it in my sleep and in my waking hours. I want some sort of company there, but it is not a place suitable for other critters of the earth or sky. only me. only my kind. I want to be alone, but not by myself. I seek some comfort there while the warm body i seek is too far from me for me to see or touch.

I've missed classes...i keep missing appoinments and a part of me doesnt care. i don't know what to do if i don't get my hours in, but a part of me keeps squeeking out, "if you don't pass, it wasn't meant for you." i want to just give up. between work and school and everything else, i'm losing myself in a damning reality that pulls me into the scalding sunlight and the blackened depths of the sea. burning me and blinding me and drowning me. And the sweet intoxication of giving in, of losing and of not caring looks sweeter by the second.

stupid sixteen year old shit.

but i miss the voices and i miss the comfort of knowing...
i miss the warm darkness of my garden that i can't quite touch or tend.
i miss the serenity of a constant depression and want for some quieter life than the one thrust upon me.
i miss moiera coming, and the demons fleeing and sahri and dak and i miss
the voices